


Felt Just Like Vacation

by Daiya_Darko



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Borderline Personality Disorder, Child with disability, Daddy Issues, Divorce, Implied Child Abuse, Implied Relationships, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daiya_Darko/pseuds/Daiya_Darko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard leaves behind his life because he has no choice. He has no money to open a new practice or apply for a license to practice in another state. Left with few options, he returns to the old town he knew and back to a past where he hopes no one recognizes him with worry lines and stubble. Of course, some demons you can hide from, and others are buried so deep within that you don’t notice them until it’s too late.</p>
<p>And then there are angels who offer the promise of something better, something redeeming, and you have to take a risk to stare upon their blazing glory and not be terrified of a miracle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Felt Just Like Vacation

**Author's Note:**

> I initially wrote this as a mild adaptation of a movie idea I'm working on, just to get a feel for what could possibly work. Feedback in this case is extremely encouraged, so don't be afraid to hold back because I need to work out all the kinks and details.

  
_In truth – December destroyed me, January crushed me, by February I was not myself. March rolled in like beatings and rolled out like a bear hug. In April I stared out the window for a fucking month. I don’t want October, I don’t want November, I don’t want to feel these crippling blows that I can’t explain to you, myself, or my friends so I dull them with hours of Nintendo._ – Bomb the Music Industry!

* * *

 

Winter swept through faster than anything in Leonard’s life.

In one season, he lost everything; his mother died and his father became a hermit who refused to talk to him about it. Pamela tried to convince him to begin going through therapy again, but he just couldn’t, couldn’t find the time in between everything else to sit down for an hour and tell a stranger his feelings. He didn’t need therapy as long as he had his medication. Even then, that stopped being helpful when he stopped taking it. He meant to get the prescription refilled, but he simply forgot. It got pushed to the back burner with everything that wasn’t work or Joanna.

Leonard struggled to keep his mood swings in check around her and struggled to keep the smell of alcohol away from Pamela.

The news reports that year announced it to be a record breaking winter, with new lows previously unseen. Businesses shut down, since Georgia still had not learned its lesson about winter weather after the 2011 Snowpocalypse, and Leonard found himself cooped up in a house with an irritated wife and a restless child. He wanted to take Joanna out sledding since it was her first time seeing snow, but Pamela fought against it.

“What if she gets hurt? An ambulance can’t get out here with the ice on the roads!”

“I’m a doctor, alright?” Leonard snapped. “First of all, nothing bad will happen to her for getting out and enjoying a little fresh air. Secondly, if something _does_ happen, I’ll be able to take care of her!”

He ignored Pamela’s complaints and went to go find his daughter in her room, playing with a few stuffed animals and his old stethoscope. He leaned against the door jamb for a few minutes, watching her diagnose and treat her animals as if they were real patients and felt a sense of pride wash over him. He watched the way she struggled to hold things and simply walk across the room and felt his heart tug. The doctors said she might grow out of her dyspraxia, and Leonard prayed every night that she would.

“Hey baby girl,” he called softly, all the anger at his wife suddenly non-existent, “do you want to go sledding?”

Joanna’s eyes lit up like sunlight on icicles and Leonard couldn’t help grinning. He helped her put her toys away, catching her before she could fall over her own feet or nothing at all, then carried her on his shoulders down the stairs to put on her coat.

“She’s going to fall on a patch of ice, Leonard,” Pamela warned, and Leonard knew he couldn’t really be mad at her for nagging. She just wanted the best for Joanna too, and her motherly instincts said to keep Joanna inside the house all the time. But Leonard knew better, because he went through the same thing as Joanna when he was younger. His father had remedied it by encouraging him to play outside and work with his hands until he was exhausted. The fact that Leonard managed to grow out of the dyspraxia by age fourteen, play sports, and then become a well-respected surgeon said everything that needed to be said.

“If she slips, I’ll catch her.”

“And if you don’t?”

“I’ll patch her up and kiss her booboos,” Leonard said gruffly as he finished slipping on his coat. He picked Joanna up and blew a raspberry on her cheek as she squirmed and laughed in his grip. “Isn’t that right, my little peach?”

“Yeah!” Joanna agreed, smacking herself in the face but still smiling.

Pamela shot Leonard a look, then softened her expression. “I’ll have hot cocoa ready for you both when you get back.”

The snow had stopped falling, for which Leonard was thankful. They trudged through the snow to the back of their house where the land sloped downwards toward open land. From there, with the snow covering everything, Leonard could almost pretend he lived in the open country, away from all the smells and traffic. He knew that when the snow was gone, the housing project would simply continue and there’d be another rich suburb just on the outskirts of Marietta. Close enough to be worth the money, but far enough to pretend you’re not rich.

“Can we do it now?” Joanna asked curiously, swinging her father’s hand in her own.

Leonard nodded and set up the sled, helping Joanna to sit on the front end while he took the back and pulled her into his lap. “Ready, munchkin?”

“I’m not a munchkin!” Joanna objected, and Leonard tickled her cheek with his stubble.

“Could have fooled me, short stuff. Hold on to the rope, now.” Leonard made sure that his grip around Joanna was firm, but not crushing. He pushed off with a foot, and smiled as the wind whipped past his ears, carrying the sound of Joanna’s squeals of joy with it. As they slid to a stop at the bottom of the hill, Joanna threw up her arms in excitement.

“Yay we made it!”

“Yeah we did!” Leonard responded, pulling her up onto his shoulders. “Wanna go again, nugget?”

“I’m not a nugget,” Joanna laughed. “Only chickens are nuggets!”

“That’s right, baby,” Leonard smiled proudly. “Don’t let anyone call you anything you don’t wanna be called.”

Leonard knew the names the other kids at kindergarten called her. Spaz, freak, weirdo, and the worst, broken. It hurt something deep inside when he heard that one; he could explain away all the other names that made no sense, but how would he explain to his daughter that something in her brain indeed wasn’t right without making her have a complex about it?

He should have taken that extra childhood development class in undergrad.

They played in the snow for a while longer until Leonard noticed how red Joanna’s face was. Bundling her up in his scarf, he carried her back in one arm with the sled dragging behind him in the other hand. As soon as he was through the door, Pam was there to snatch Joanna out of Leonard’s hands. Instinctively, he pulled back, surprised by her sudden presence.

That was the wrong move.

“What’s wrong with her? Did she get hurt? Why won’t you let me see her?”

“Can you let me get in the door first?” Leonard tried calmly, unwrapping the now sleeping Joanna from his scarf and her coat.

Pam took Joanna from him and something about that didn’t sit right with Leonard.

That was probably the first sign.

Winter passed with little more incident as Leonard tried to get his priorities straightened. He was now at the functional alcoholic stage, but he was loathe to admit it. The alcohol cut down on how many fights he and Pamela had and kept him from having nearly as many mood swings than if he were sober. When spring came, he was more than surprised to be presented with divorce papers after Pamela sent Joanna off to stay with Pam’s parents for the week.

“What’s this?” Leonard asked over his glass of bourbon.

“You can read, Leonard. You may be a drunk but you’re not illiterate.”

Leonard slammed his fist on the desk and finished his drink. “You’re not divorcing me. No! You can’t do this!” He jumped up and threw the glass across the room where it burst into shiny shards against the wall. Pam screamed something at him about this being exactly what she was talking about, how unpredictable he had become. Leonard reasoned that he was mostly calm. She shoved him toward the door and Leonard shoved her into a wall. At that, he paled, because he never laid a hand of violence against any woman. If his father were there to see him, he would have probably beat Leonard into a coma. If his mother had seen…

Leonard swallowed and began apologizing profusely to Pamela, even after she began crying and screaming for him to leave. He tried to hold her, tried to calm her down, but instead, she took the china vase his mother had given them as a wedding gift and brandished it as a weapon. Something about having such a treasured family heirloom raised against him made Leonard furious, and he punched a hole in the wall, yelling at Pamela to set it down. This was not him, not even on his worst mood swings.

The weather was at its worst this time of year in Georgia - February always brought something different. Tornadoes, floods, ice storms, and warm sunshine were always possible. It should have been Leonard’s favorite month, because he could relate to the weather most at that time.

This February was different.

Pamela screamed that he was crazy and broke the vase against his head. Leonard’s vision went black momentarily as he struggled for footing, and when he regained his balance, he looked down at the shattered remnants of the last thing his mother had ever given him.

He saw red, and then he saw black.

When Leonard woke up, he saw blue lights and couldn’t move.

 

* * *

 

Spring was supposed to be his chance to make a new life for himself.

Leonard wanted to stay close by, but he knew there was no way he was getting hired anywhere around Marietta now. He moved what little he had to his father’s, who refused to acknowledge his presence, only saying, “I’ll watch your shit because it’s what she would have wanted.”

He didn’t have to say who “she” is because Leonard knew.

Leonard packed everything else he couldn’t move at that moment into his pickup and headed down 285-E, stopping over in Snellville only for a moment to get gas. He should have filled up before he left, but he was just eager to leave. He wasn’t even allowed to kiss Joanna goodbye. When she fell trying to run to him, Pam only scolded her to get up.

He had to leave or else he would have had a fit in front of Jo.

Leonard looked at the 24-Hour Kroger across the street and swallowed. He’s so close to Winder and he didn’t even want to be.

He was supposed to be making a new life for himself this spring, not returning to another place where he left bad memories.

Winder had nothing in it except two grocery stores, some gas stations, the police department, a few fast food chains, a Kohl’s, and the schools. It’s so small and shitty that Leonard tried to remember why he lived there at all, but remembered that it was cheap and interns were needed at Gwinnett Medical. Leonard lived there after undergrad until he could get hired closer to home, closer to a better life with more options and possibilities. Driving down the cracked highway, Leonard was overcome with something resembling anxiety. He left Winder when he did because of Jim.

It was the spring.

Twenty-five and bored were never good combinations, and a small town that didn’t offer many choices of entertainment was even worse. When his new neighbors moved in next door to his small, one-story house, Leonard became excited. Maybe they’d have a cute, young girl he could flirt with. Maybe there’d be a guy he could go watch football games with in Athens.

Instead he got Jim.

Fifteen and bold, Jim came up to his porch and asked for a beer.

“Get outta here, kid. I ain’t goin to jail for a kid like you,” Leonard dismissed, not even looking up from his medical journal. He was planning to go back to school now that he had some more money, and that meant catching up on the things he missed.

“Man, you don’t even know what kind of kid I am,” Jim pleaded, and only then did Leonard look up. The boy was smaller than Leonard, only coming up to about his shoulder at best, but his body was filled out from what Leonard assumed was probably physical labor or sports. He had golden hair that stood up in defiance to gravity and the brightest blue eyes he’d ever seen this side of the Mississippi. And the way the kid licked his lips when looking at that cooler of beer?

Leonard shivered.

“I told you, I ain’t got no time for jailbait like you!”

Jim giggled, and Leonard shook his head in disbelief. What kind of teenage boy giggled?

Jim Kirk had trouble written all over him and Leonard only realized too late.

He became transfixed with this kid who talked like he was an adult, who spoke of experiences far beyond his age. Moved to Georgia fresh from Iowa, Jim Kirk had a step daddy who beat the shit out of him if he got too close, a momma who was mostly absent and still grieving over life choices, and a brother who ran off and occasionally came home to give Jim money.

“My mom said we here ‘cause a man named Mr. Pike offered her a job and a place if she’d come work at the hospital up in Lawrenceville, and it paid way more than her old piece of shit job back in Riverside.” Jim blew smoke in Leonard’s face and laughed when Leonard smacked him with a sandal.

“I work at that hospital and I don’t know anyone named Pike there.”

“Oh he don’t work there; he pulled some strings.”

“So how he know yo momma?”

Jim shrugged. “Said he was a friend of my dad’s. They were in the Navy together and when he heard about my dad dyin’ n’ all, he talked to some people to help my mom.”

Leonard wanted to ask how Jim’s dad died, but every time the subject of fathers was brought up, Jim got this look in his eyes, as if he were just some lost kid who wandered onto Leonard’s doorstep.

“Hey Bones,” Jim called softly, pulling Leonard from his studies.

“Why do you even call me that?”

“Because you’re a southern doctor and that’s what they called them back then,” Jim chuckled.

“I thought you were dumb.”

“I thought you were smart.”

Leonard growled quietly and sneered. “What did you want to ask?” This kid was seriously beginning to get on his nerves. He had work and studying to do, not to mention he needed relaxation time in more than one way.

“Where are your parents?”

Leonard hesitated to answer. “Marietta.”

“If you rich, why you livin’ out here in piss poor Winder?”

“It’s not that we’re rich, but we’re just lucky,” Leonard explained. “My dad was a business man, but he didn’t want to live in Atlanta. My old man’s kinda racist.”

Jim raised an eyebrow. “He moved out of a city because of all the black people and he’s only ‘kinda’ racist?”

Leonard laughed in spite of himself. “Okay, my dad hates anyone who isn’t white and Christian. But that’s where they are now, that’s where I lived all my life.”

Leonard doesn’t tell Jim about his move to Mississippi for college or living in Buckhead for high school. Jim already thinks he’s made of money, judging by how he eats up Leonard’s food and drinks his beer.

They formed a tentative friendship, one where Leonard saw Jim every time he finished a shift at the hospital. Leonard didn’t seek Jim out, but Jim always seemed to know when he was coming home. One night, Leonard came home and found Jim sitting on his door step, bruised and cut from head to toe in a torn shirt with no shoes.

“I got too close,” was all Jim said through watery eyes, and Leonard sighed.

He was in too deep now.

He patched Jim up and gave him a blanket for the couch. “You’re goin’ to school tomorrow.”

“I can’t let the teachers see me like this!” Jim pleaded, and Leonard finally understood the gravity of the situation, just how long this had been going on. He didn’t make Jim go to school, but he _did_ make him do his homework and clean the kitchen. When it was time to go to work, Leonard handed Jim the second key to his house.

“If you let anyone in here, I will shove my fist so far up your ass you’ll be an oven mitt.”

“Is that a promise?” Jim winked, and Leonard shoved him gently away before leaving.

Jim didn’t immediately begin showing up around Leonard’s house at that point, but there were always signs. A pair of shoes, some pants, a freshly cleaned bathroom. Once, Leonard came home and found Jim asleep in front of his computer, working on a report about space shuttles and design. Leonard saved the document and tucked Jim in on the couch.

When Jim left his progress reports on the kitchen table, A’s all around, Leonard beamed with pride and made a note to get something to reward Jim for his hard work. Leonard didn’t understand how Jim could skip school as much as he did and still excel, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. There was a note on the table next to the reports: _Could you ask my mom to sign these for me?_

Leonard bit his tongue and sighed. Of course Jim couldn’t ask his stepdad to sign them, and Leonard technically wasn’t his guardian. He brought them to work to show Winona, who teared up and hugged him.

“Thank you so much for looking out for Jim,” she said.

“He’s a good kid with a lot of potential if he can stay out of trouble. I don’t mind him, really.” Leonard didn’t know what else to say except the things his teachers had said about him when he was Jim’s age. They weren’t so unlike.

“He may have told you this,” Winona began with a shuddery deep breath, “but things at home aren’t so great. I want to be a better mother, but – “

Leonard hugged her and cut her off. “You’re the best thing he has right now. You moved across the country for him, and that’s more than most parents will do for their kids.”

The next night, Leonard found Jim waiting for him on his bed, shirtless.

“Lose something?” Leonard asked dryly, staring at the abandoned shirt on the floor.

Jim didn’t reply, but moved across the room to where Leonard stood and reached up to kiss him on the mouth.

Leonard reacted immediately, stepping back and holding Jim at arm’s length.

“You talked to my mom. She told me what you said.”

Leonard swore and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, man. I was just tryin’ to comfort her.”

“I know; thank you.” Jim broke free of Leonard’s grasp and backed him up against the wall. “Now let me thank _you._ ”

Leonard let Jim get a few chaste kisses in before stopping him again. “Man, I don’t know if this has been your plan all along, but I was just tryin’ to look out for a mangy mutt of a kid. I’m no sugar daddy if that’s what you’re lookin’ for. I’m goin’ back to school soon.”

Jim’s face fell. “What?”

“Yeah, I only came out here to get some experience and work. I’m going back to Mississippi and then I’m gonna work in Marietta.”

Jim looked like he was about to cry. “Is it because of me?”

Leonard’s heart dropped at that precise moment and as he scooped Jim up in a hug and sat him on the bed, he knew it was too late – this boy had him in his clutches and Leonard’s only too kind.

He shushed Jim, rubbing his back, and assured him that his plans to leave weren’t permanent. “I’ll even buy the house so that you can keep staying here if you want. Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that I don’t like you or nothin’. I just had plans already and you kinda fell into the middle of them.”

“Are you gonna get married?”

The question struck Leonard as odd, but he answered, “I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m wearing tomorrow. All I know is I’m not abandoning you.”

Leonard hated this. He hated that Jim had no other family to go to and Leonard had become his. He knew what happened to Jim’s real dad, how he died in combat before Jim was born, and he knew that his stepdad was negligent at best and sadistic at worst. He knew that George was only around when he had enough money to buy Jim new shoes.

Leonard knew what he meant to Jim and he felt terrible that he let himself get this close. He was going to hurt Jim just like every other man in his life had, and Leonard despised himself for it. If he became a father, he was never going to leave his kid’s side for a second. He needed to find this Pike guy and give him a heads up on how to care for Jim when he left.

Jim kissed Leonard again, and the voice in the back of his head reminded him that even though Jim was technically legal now that he had turned sixteen, Leonard was still over the age of 18 enough to be creepy. And illegal. Very, very illegal.

That voice was trumped by the one in his pants and the one that told him rejecting Jim right now would probably do more damage than good.

Leonard let himself focus on trying to make Jim feel good, because the kid needed it more than he did. But Jim had other ideas, instead trying his best to please Leonard, as if being a sex god was going to make him not leave. Leonard had to admit that it almost worked when he came inside of Jim, but it didn’t work well enough.

After that, Leonard felt as if no amount of showers were going to wash away the knowledge that he had committed a felony. He got in touch with Christopher Pike and explained the situation to him. He signed the lease of the house over to Pike, put in his leave slip, and moved back to Mississippi and waited until the summer to apply for the fall.

 

* * *

 

When Leonard opens the door to his old house, he half expects Jim to be there. What he doesn’t expect is this young, curly-haired kid staring at him with big doe eyes.

“Uh…” Leonard trails off, trying to explain himself when Jim walks around the corner, shirtless and much, much taller. And bigger. But everything else stayed virtually the same.

His faces blanks for a moment, trying to process Leonard’s face until he exclaims, “Bones!”

Leonard smiles softly. “Hi Jim.”

Jim throws his arms around his shoulders, hugging him far too tightly to be friendly. Leonard can’t help himself; he hugs Jim back with the same amount of passion, placing a hand at the base of Jim’s neck and gently rubbing at the hair there. He can feel stubble against his own cheek and smiles.

Jim’s all grown up.

“I missed you so much,” Jim barely whispers in his ear. “I thought you were never coming back. I almost didn’t believe Pike when he said you were.”

Leonard rubs his back soothingly and says, “I know. Sorry it took so long.” When he pulls away, there are tears in Jim’s eyes, and Leonard knows he fucked up. He should have checked in more, should have actually shown up. He had become fundamental to Jim’s life; to just leave with little goodbye and even less calls was just rude.

“Hey now,” Leonard thumbs away a tear. “I’m back, alright?”

“For good?” Jim asks hopefully. Leonard’s stomach tears at his insides.

“We’ll see. Who’s the kid?”

“Oh, Pavel,” Jim says in a bored tone. He motions to the teenager who had occupied himself with a puzzle at the coffee table and says, “I remembered you like them young, so I flew him in from Russia for you since I’m a little too old for your tastes.”

Leonard’s face reddens. He forgot Jim’s propensity to joke about things that really shouldn’t be discussed.

“I’m kidding, Bones!” Jim laughs when he sees Leonard’s face. “Pavel’s my cousin from Russia. He’s like a child prodigy. He wanted to go to school in America, but his parents wouldn’t let him just live anywhere overseas on his own. I told them I’m close to Georgia Tech and here we are! He just finished his senior year there.”

“We’re nowhere near Georgia Tech.”

“Well it’s the summer. He’s only here when he’s on break and now he’s only here until he figures out what to do with his engineering degree.”

Leonard nods understandingly. “So I guess my house is unavailable?”

“Oh no,” Jim says. “We live in my old house. Pavel was helping me get this place cleaned up for you. We’ll be next door if you ever need anything.” Jim lets his hand squeeze Leonard’s at that last statement, and calls for Pavel to come so Leonard can have some privacy. Leonard gets the feeling his “privacy” will be short-lived.

The house hasn’t changed in the slightest. Everything shines as if freshly polished, including the old dinosaur of a computer in the corner. Leonard makes a mental note to go out into a field and have some target practice.

His bed is made, sheets smelling fresh from the laundry, and Leonard has to give it to Jim; he really came through with taking care of everything. He’d probably have to go to Pike and buy his house back now, but Leonard decides that can wait when Jim comes back and kisses Leonard like he’s his only source of oxygen.

Leonard doesn’t stop the sex this time. He has had ten years to reconcile everything in his mind, and now Jim is twenty-six, much older and more experienced. He moves like he’s been practicing on some lucky people, just honing his craft for Leonard, and the thought of that makes Leonard harder than he’s ever been. He fucks Jim into the clean sheets and savors the feel of not feeling guilty about a damned thing. He even indulges himself a few spanks and bites, no longer afraid to leave questionable marks for people to ask about. Leonard bites onto Jim’s neck, moaning soft praises into Jim’s skin, telling him how good of a job he did while he was away. He tells Jim how proud he is that he finished school and even college. He kisses the spot behind Jim’s ear and tells Jim how much he missed him.

Leonard’s hips stutter when Jim breathlessly moans back, “I missed you too.”

Leonard feels a tear in his heart at the words because he remembers what this is for Jim and realizes that he didn’t grow out of it. Leonard finishes, but feels hollow as he jerks Jim off and kisses him when he’s done.

He tells himself it’s nothing to be worried about and that he’s looking into it too deeply, but Leonard blames those psych classes. He really should have taken an extra childhood development class instead of sexuality and gender.

 

* * *

 

Summer always starts off warm, but it gets hot and stays hot fast.

Leonard sips his beer as he watches Pavel attempt to hold the shotgun properly and rolls his eyes at how much his hands shake. Setting his beer down, Leonard walks up behind him and guides his hands in the right positions. The kid smells like books and deodorant; it’s kind of cute.

“Just take a deep breath, Pavel. You’re from Russia; don’t you go shooting out there?”

Pavel takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes, opens them refocused. He pulls the trigger and hits the target.

“Archery. My father was not a fond of guns. And isn’t this illegal?”

“Jeez, it’s hard to believe you and Jim are related with how much you worry about things such as ‘laws.’”

“Jim’s only my third cousin and only by marriage. We’re hardly related,” Pavel says indignantly, firing off another shot. He misses.

“You don’t sound like you’ve been enjoying your stay with him.”

Pavel switches the safety on and lowers the gun. Turning to Leonard, he says, “I know what I want in life and how to get it. I had to cross an ocean and study for hours for years. Jim practically has everything given to him and he does nothing but work at The Academy selling sports clothes and guns!”

Leonard chuckles at Pavel’s exasperation. “Just because someone has potential doesn’t mean they want to live up to it.”

“I don’t get it; why else live?”

Leonard’s smile falls at that question. “Shit, I don’t know, kid. I guess because you can choose your own life instead of following the plan that’s laid out for you. Just because there’s a path doesn’t mean you have to follow it. Paths have to be made, after all.”

They forget about shooting and walk the mile back to the road where Leonard left his truck. They talk for half an hour about things Leonard never expected to discuss seriously without at least half a bottle of something strong in him. He likes Pavel; Pavel is sweet, but not a pushover. He’s obedient, but to a certain degree. He’s smart as a whip and not afraid to show it. He’s a lot like Jim, except Pavel grew up with a strong father figure and isn’t trying to make Leonard his replacement.

“Kid, you should take it from me: sometimes life is going to throw you a curveball and you’re gonna be helpless to do anything but let it pass you by. At least that way you don’t strike out.”

“Okay, first of all,” Pavel begins, taking a sip of lemonade on the back porch. “Please stop calling me ‘kid.’ I have a bachelor’s in aeronautics and space design. I know you’re old enough to be my dad if you made poor choices in high school, but give me a break. Secondly, if you get three balls, you get to walk to a base, but there’s no honor in it.”

“Well excuse the fuck out of me,” Leonard laughs, throwing up his hands defensively. “I meant no offense. You should hear the things I call my daughter.” At the mention, Leonard’s heart gives a painful spasm and he swallows dryly.

“I feel sorry for her then,” Pavel jokes, but he doesn’t pry.

That’s another thing Leonard likes about Pavel. He’s content to talk about anything but he won’t ask questions if he sees they’re a taboo subject. Leonard read that young geniuses were awkward in social circumstances, but Pavel is the exception to that rule. He suspects Jim has something to do with that.

Pavel works at Bruster’s and sometimes brings Leonard a pint of ice cream. He doesn’t stick around, claiming he has applications to fill out, but it’s okay because Jim usually just comes over and eats half of it.

“Why do you hang out with him so much?” Jim asks one night as they watch a meteor shower.

“He’s a lot like you,” Leonard says. Jim doesn’t ask any more questions, but goes for Leonard’s pants. Leonard gets a blowjob right there on the grass as he watches the stars watching him. He doesn’t believe in superstitions but makes a wish anyways.

He wishes Jim would talk to someone.

Leonard finds Pike at his army surplus store and feels as if he’s a stranger in his own home again.

“Place lookin’ good?” Pike asks cordially.

“Oh yeah, she’s a real beaut. Jim and Pavel did good work.”

“Yeah, those two are quite the odd couple. I don’t know how Pavel can stand Jim.”

“I’ve wondered the same myself. I also have another question for you,” Leonard lowers his voice, and Pike motions to the end of the display case, farther from the door.

“How was Jim after I left?”

Pike’s brow furrows in confusion. “I don’t understand. You _want_ to know? He didn’t tell you?”

Leonard swallows. “We haven’t really talked much since I got back.”

Pike walks over to the door, locks it, and flips the sign to “closed.” Then he motions for Leonard to follow him behind the counter into his office. It’s decorated with lots of Naval memorabilia, medals and pictures from what Leonard assumes was Pike’s service.

“Want a drink? Have a seat,” Pike motions to the large chair in front of his desk. Leonard accepts the drink, only mildly surprised when it’s a beer. Small towns.

“Jim was damn near a mess to work with. He started picking fights with his stepdad, and once he went to jail for child abuse, Winona had to work extra to keep up the bills. I offered to help her, but she turned me down. Didn’t wanna be further in my debt. It’s weird; George was like that himself, but Jim just accepts help even when he doesn’t need it.

“When there was no one at home for Jim to fight with, I guess he turned to the streets. More than once I saw the lights just down the road, pickin’ him up for vandalism or fighting. He still managed to graduate top of his class, but I have no clue how. Boy was fighting and fucking his way through Winder and when Winder wasn’t enough, he headed out into the other cities. He began trickin’ down in Mid-Town and that’s how he paid for school. I know because he called me one night to come get him. Got in my truck lookin’ like someone did a number on him and smellin’ like sex and shit.”

Leonard sits back in shock as he takes it all in. More and more he feels responsible, as if he shouldn’t have left at all. He knows that’s ridiculous, of course, but if no one was there…

“Why didn’t you wrangle him in?” Leonard asks angrily. He doesn’t know why he’s angry at Pike; Pike’s already done enough.

“I tried. I sat him down, cleaned him up, and gave him a lecture that would have bored his father to death. Didn’t work. He went to UGA, got his MBA, and then came back here and now he works at the mall. Damn waste of talent. I think he came back expecting you to be here.”

Leonard shifts guiltily in his seat. “I was kind of busy.”

“That’s what I told him. I said, ‘Jim, that man was nice enough to you and treated you like kin, but he ain’t kin, cause kin don’t push you off with strangers and leave with no phone calls for years.”

“I wrote…” Leonard says quietly.

“Yeah, and did you know he saved every single letter? You sent a picture of your new family and he came stormin’ up to my shop to holler at me about how you were flaunting your perfect new life in his face. Then when he calmed down, you know what he said?”

Leonard shakes his head and Pike leans forward. “He said, ‘That little girl looks just like him. She’s perfect. I hope he tells her about me someday.’”

By now Pike is glaring at Leonard, and he figures he deserves it. “I had no idea. He never wrote back.”

“Kid was too stubborn. Wanted to send a message to you loud and clear that he didn’t care no ways if you came back, when deep inside it tore him up. So I want you to think about something, Leonard,” Pike leans back in his chair, fixing Leonard with a chilly gaze. “Are you planning on leaving anytime soon?”

“I don’t know.”

“If you are, then don’t let that boy get attached to you again. He lost you once; I don’t think he could handle it twice.”

 

* * *

 

Fourth of July is the scent of charcoal grills and Budweiser Lime. It’s the scent of bug spray over flowery body lotion and cigarettes on the wind. It’s the sound of friends and family coming together to celebrate and catch up, the sound of young men courting young ladies and children screaming with laughter.

Leonard smiles over his can of beer and tries to ignore the press of Jim’s leg against his. It’s too hot to be sitting this close, and everyone knows that. Pike is glaring at Leonard behind a smile; Pavel looks only mildly interested, but decides it’s not even worth entertaining.

Jim’s friends join them on the back porch for the day’s festivities, and Leonard still isn’t sure whether he likes them or not. He knows for sure that he doesn’t like the smartass with the straight face – what kind of name is Spock anyways? Leonard doesn’t understand how someone as lively and funny as Nyota would end up with a guy like him.

But Leonard definitely likes her name. He says it in his head a few times and shows her preferential treatment because she’s so bright. He’s definitely not flirting with her.

Leonard really likes Hikaru, who is a friend of Pavel’s from school. He has a clear idea of what he wants to do and a plan on how to get there. He laughs only the appropriate amount, and if something isn’t funny, he doesn’t laugh. Leonard likes that; he respects a man who sticks to his conventions.

Scotty brought an expensive bottle of scotch and Leonard would be hard-pressed to hate a man who brought top shelf liquor.

Gaila and Carol are perky, friendly lady friends of Jim’s and as Leonard understands it from Nyota, girls he met while working in Mid-Town. In fact, everyone only knows Jim from Atlanta, and Leonard’s not sure if the churning in his stomach is the need to piss from beer or puke from anxiety.

Either way, he should be in the bathroom for it.

As soon as he empties his bladder, Leonard feels better which means he’s not about to puke from anxiety, fortunately. He sometimes has a problem with that, thanks to the BPD. He tucks himself in but doesn’t button until after he washes his hands, which is a silly habit from not being used to wearing pants around his house. He doesn’t know these people well enough to just walk out with his fly down.

A knock comes from the door, and Leonard tells the person he’ll be out in a second as he dries his hands. The door swings open, and Leonard begins to yell abuses until he realizes it’s just Jim.

And Jim has _that_ look on his face.

At Jim’s insistence, Leonard fucks him against the sink as quickly as possible. He didn’t even know he was horny, but the idea of sneaking a quickie in when the house is full of people just encourages him further. Don’t let it be said Leonard McCoy doesn’t have an exhibitionist streak.

Jim pulls on his hair and moans into his neck in between bites as if trying to make it known to everyone what’s going on, and maybe he is. Leonard’s not sure, but he usually has a hard time with thinking when he’s balls deep inside of someone.

Jim comes on Leonard’s shirt, and Leonard wonders if he should change or just wipe it off. It’d be obvious what happened, either way.

He grips tight to Jim’s hips as he comes, shuddering and wondering why his orgasm doesn’t feel as powerful as the previous ones. When he looks at Jim, Jim’s grinning brightly, and Leonard’s heart melts.

He’s not in love with Jim; he’s in love with the idea of Jim.

But Jim is too flawed and needy for Leonard.

 

* * *

 

Fall is quiet.

Leonard takes graveyard shifts at the hospital because it’s quiet.

His house is no longer quiet since Jim has unofficially made himself Leonard’s new roommate, and Leonard is too nice to kick him out.

Would it be a breakup if they never started dating?

Leonard wishes things weren’t so fucked up.

Their conflicting schedules means Leonard is just getting home and going to sleep when Jim is on his way out to go to work, and that suits him just fine. On the occasion that Leonard is awake during the day, he usually checks in on Pavel to see how he’s doing.

“I don’t want to be an engineer anymore, Leo.”

Leonard quirks an eyebrow and is careful with his words. “Oh?”

“I want to work in astrometrics.”

Leonard nods and calls in to work to say that he can’t come in. That night, he takes Pavel out to the middle of an empty field and asks him to name the stars.

“I wanna see how serious you are about this before I approve of it,” Leonard explains as they lie down. Pavel takes a deep breath and begins to name constellations and the stars that make them up. He explains the different celestial bodies and how they got their names. As he goes on, the temperature drops and the wind picks up, sending a slight shiver down Leonard’s spine. He looks over and sees Pavel’s fists clenched in an effort to remain still.

“You cold?”

“I’m from Russia.”

“Don’t mean you ain't cold. C’mere,” Leonard pulls Chekov against his chest and covers him with newly freed blanket. Against him, he can feel Pavel shivering, even as he continues describing the night sky from memory.

“You sure know a lot about the stars,” Leonard says quietly, and Pavel stills for a moment.

“I know a lot about a lot of things. I’m a genius, not a savant.”

Leonard clicks his tongue chidingly. “No one was suggesting you were autistic, Pavel.”

“But they do. They say I am an Aspie when I am actually perfectly neurotypical.”

“Debatable, but I don’t have a degree in psychology. I only took a few classes in school because it seemed interesting. Wish I took more though.”

Pavel hums against his chest, and then Leonard feels fingers scratching lazily at his stomach. Leonard swallows and shifts uneasily.

“Do you like poetry, Leo?”

“Can’t say I’ve read much lately.”

“ _Reach me down my Tycho Brahe, I would know him when we meet,_ ” Pavel begins, and Leonard feels as if he’s heard this poem before. He has to; it’s famous and the meter rings familiar to him as Pavel goes on, quoting from memory.

“ _What for us are all distractions of men's fellowship and smiles_ ,” Pavel continues, his voice dropping into a raspy, low register. “ _What for us the Goddess Pleasure with her meretricious smiles_.”

Leonard is acutely aware in the darkness how close Pavel’s face is to his own and if he had any sense, he would push Pavel away and just _go_ like he should have done all those years ago.

“ _Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light…_ ” Pavel drifts off, leaning in to close the distance between him and Leonard.

Leonard remembers the poem now.

“ _I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night_ ,” Leonard finishes, just before giving in and kissing Pavel hungrily. As he slips his hand underneath Pavel’s shirt to feel the steady heartbeat beneath his fingertips, Leonard’s pretty sure he’ll remember this poem better from now on.

 

* * *

 

Georgia doesn’t change seasons so much as it violently shifts between them. It’s a hot day for November, but everyone knows better; it’ll be below freezing in the night.

Leonard stops drinking. Well, he doesn’t drink as much. It’s partially because he’s on his medication again, and partially because Pavel promised to go to school at the University of Pittsburgh next year if Leonard stopped drinking. Leonard has never been one to intentionally hinder education, so he goes to the chemical dependency outpatient program at a nearby psychiatric hospital in between the hospital and Winder. He feels so much better to be clean of alcohol, as if a weight has lifted.

Everyone congratulates him and tells him how good he looks. Pam comes through to visit with Joanna, and even _she_ seems impressed.

It’s weird having the two lives merge here, but Leonard doesn’t mind it much. He introduces Jim to Joanna, who take an immediate liking to each other, and Pam to Pike and Pavel.

They eat dinner together, and it almost feels like family.

Almost.

Because at the table are three people Leonard has fucked and two he’s fucked over. There are two he has also yet to fuck over, and one who is waiting for him to completely fuck things up – again.

It’s a lot of pressure, so Leonard excuses himself to the bathroom.

He takes a Prozac and takes a few deep breaths to steady himself; the last thing he needs is a mood swing.

The door knocks, and Leonard locks it.

Not tonight.

 

* * *

 

Jim is angry at him, and Leonard doesn’t blame him. Leonard’s angry at himself too. After he kissed Joanna bye and gave Pam a quick, friendly kiss on the cheek, Leonard pretty much pretended as if he hadn’t just flaunted that Jim was not the center of his life. That kid who depended on Leonard? He’s not here anymore and Leonard is making it known in not-so subtle ways.

Leonard openly praises Pavel for getting into Pitt’s astronomy program, complete with promises to visit and gentle touches only he and Pavel understand. Leonard and Pike share a couple laughs about things that “adults” care about, and Jim feels left out.

When they’re alone and Leonard is getting ready for bed, Jim stands in the doorway, sulking.

“What’s with you?”

“What’s with you? Why on God’s green earth would you think I’d wanna have a quickie with my daughter and ex-wife around?”

Jim clenches his fists and frowns. “I was just trying to check on you.”

“For whose sake? Mine or yours?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jim asks indignantly.

“I know you’ve got brains and the papers to prove it, so I don’t know why you’re still in this podunk town.”

“Maybe it’s because I love you!” Jim yells, and Leonard’s had enough.

“You say you love me, but how can you when you barely know me?”

“Because you took me in and you cared for me! You showed me that you loved me! You were the first person who wasn’t family to ever show me any love, and I barely had any family at all!”

“I love you but I’m not in love with you, Jim!” Leonard yells back. “Why can’t you understand that? I took care of you because I’m a _doctor_ , it’s what I do! I’m not gonna send some kid back to his abusive stepdad if I can help it!”

Jim laughs bitterly and rolls his eyes. “Oh, so it meant nothing to you when you took my virginity?”

That strikes Leonard cold in the center of his heart. “I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to hurt you either. I see I made a mistake.”

Jim sobs angrily and lashes out to punch the wall. “I hate you!”

Leonard sighs and shakes his head. “Go home, Jim.”

“Just so you know, Pavel and Hikaru are fucking,” Jim spits as he walks out. “So you’re not even important to him. You’re just a side bitch.”

Leonard lies on his back and sighs with relief. Thank goodness.

He’s not cut out for being the main recipient of affection; it clearly doesn’t go well.

 

* * *

 

Georgia winters are awful. They have a way of sneaking up on you in the middle of the week, making the temperature drop from 65 to 38 faster than you can find a sweatshirt.

Leonard’s car takes forever to warm up, so he ends up asking Pavel for rides to and from work. To make it easier, Pavel takes up a job at the 24-hour Starbucks down the street from the hospital and works the same hours. Neither of them talk about how Jim disappears, or the obvious fact that Leonard is indeed a side piece, except for Pavel stating plainly, “Hikaru and I broke up. He doesn’t want to move to Pittsburgh because he’s already moving back to San Francisco.”

That’s all they say on the matter.

After two weeks of radio silence from Jim, Leonard becomes worried and tells Pike.

“Jim’s not in the city,” he grumbles, opening his door wider to allow Leonard in. “He’s been sleeping in my guest room and eating all my cereal.”

Leonard nearly cries with relief as he steps into the small, neatly kept house. Pike motions for Leonard to be quiet as they walk down the hall to Jim’s room, and open the door.

Inside, Jim is curled into a ball, clinging to a pillow and sucking his thumb.

“He’s been sleeping like that for a week. What the hell did you do?”

“I may or may not have broken up with him. Technically, we were never anything official,” Leonard whispers, unable to stop staring at Jim. “Are you going to talk to him about this?”

“Nope,” Pike says resolutely, shutting the door. “Boy’s got a lot of issues to work out that I can’t help him with. I’m thinking about getting him some therapy though, work through those deep-seated daddy issues that make him think he’s not good enough for anyone and everyone who leaves does so because of him.”

“I’m not leaving,” Leonard begins, but Pike silences him with a look.

“I know you ain’t. You’ve taken to his cousin, and I think that’s what’s really bugging him. You replaced him.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Leonard grumbles.

“I know, but he don’t know that. As far as he knows, you really do have a thing for young boys. Now I’m picking up your messes again and it’s only because I love that boy that I do, because I sure as hell don’t do it for your benefit. When I look at him, I see his father and then I see how disappointed George would be if he knew.”

Leonard leaves because he’s not needed, not anymore. Part of him is happy that someone else cares about Jim as much as he does to get Jim the help he _really_ needs. The other part is broken up because _dammit, that’s my boy._

_  
_Was. _Was my boy._

* * *

Leonard hugs Pavel when he sees him, doesn’t stop hugging him until he says, “We can’t keep doing this, not unless you know you’re going to be okay if we break up.”

Pavel snorts and shoves Leonard away. “You are being sentimental. What is wrong?”

All in that moment, Leonard finally breaks down into the tears he’s been holding back since arriving in Winder. He should be afraid of disclosing all this personal information with Pavel, who is still Jim’s cousin, but Pavel doesn’t judge him, doesn’t ask questions. Pavel strokes his hair while he cries out his story and when Leonard has no more words left in him, Pavel says, “You need a sabbatical from life.”

Leonard laughs, and it’s the first time in a while that he’s really laughed.

“You’re right. Do you want to come with me?”

“No, you need this time to yourself. Go and get yourself together and I will help take care of my cousin. If I didn’t, my mother would never let me hear the end of it.”

Leonard kisses him slowly, savoring how simple he tastes. No tears, no regrets, no pent up resentment.

Just pure, unadulterated hope.

Leonard thinks he could use a little more of that in his life.

 


End file.
